Active listening is a skill and a practice
Understanding and being understood comes through listening
A friend texted me this week to say hello from across the country. I knew he was newly engaged so I wished him Mazel tov keeping it up beat as I was happy to hear from him. The natural next text asked how I was doing. Speaking my truth in that moment I responded with, “I’m ok, just lonely at the moment.” I don’t know what I was expecting in return but I wasn’t expecting - “get some hobbies.”
Note taken - this friend cannot receive my realness or cannot read between the lines. My friendship circle just got smaller and that’s ok. I’m not writing him off, simply not putting in the effort I used to. It was not the response I needed in my fog of depression that happens more often these days. I wasn’t asking for a solution. People will show you who they are more than tell you and it can be super helpful whether good or bad.
In today’s world of individualism, polarization and crisis, we need one another more than ever. I’ve never been one to hold to surface relationships and conversations for too long.
I’ve been finding great solace in my writing group (The Narrative Method) which I meet with three to four times a week. I find safety and vulnerability with these strangers where some are becoming a bit more than acquaintances, more familiar. It has been a magical experience where the writing prompts often weave into exactly what is happening in my life. It culls memories I haven’t thought about in years and prompts new stories ideas and thoughts. We free write unfiltered, untamed for seven minutes from soul to pen to page, and then read to our small groups where we employ active listening. We are not allowed to respond to the writing, make judgements or comments, simply “thank you for sharing.”
What is active listening? I thought you’d never ask.
Active listening is one of the most freeing interactions I have ever participated in from both sides. Active listening is a developed communication skill that goes beyond hearing the words but seeks to understand the meaning and intent behind them. You might think, “I do this all the time.” Do you though?
Most people are listening while caught up in their own stories, going through the file of their memories to find something they can bring to the conversation to relate and then often interrupt to let them know about it. It can be a way to connect with the person to show excitement or understanding however, taking the cue from the speaker is key to find out when their thought is complete is another skill. Most people interrupt out of the need to connect and contribute. And sure, there is a place for that when bantering or when it’s been an unspoken established framework. I find more depth however, when there’s reciprocity of active listening and dialogue.
Tips for active listening:
Be fully present - listen with all your senses from sight to sound
Pay attention to non-verbal cues - 65% of meaning is behind these cues; body language, pace of speaking, tone of voice
Good eye contact - hold eye contact at least 4-5 seconds to connect with the person
Ask open-ended questions - “Tell me more about that.”
Reflect what you hear - repeat back to make sure you understand
Be patient - feel your feet on the earth and seat in the chair, breathe and be present with the person
Withhold judgement - be neutral, express empathy
When we employ active listening, we validate the person speaking. We connect on a deeper level which allows the interaction to be more authentic and valued.
This week the discussion flowed into active listening. I realized that my breakout room partners were introverts and had a difficult time being with others on a surface level.
This writing group is a safe place where creativity thrives and self judgement dies.
I’ve found my places where my realness is not mistaken for intensity or where my extroverted nature means I’m happy and optimistic all the time. Places where I can be my inquisitive, silly, weird self and I feel at home, accepted. Don’t you?
I can honestly say the only times I feel truly heard is when I’m speaking to my Rabbi, some fellow writers, friends who are meditators or my closest friends and family. When I’m interrupted, I know I am not being heard and I begin to focus more on being interrupted than what I’m trying to express. It is quite flustering and something I’m realizing happens to many women but that’s a different exploration.
I’m not a perfect active listener either and I find that with regular meditation I am overall more grounded and available for anyone that crosses my path.
Everyone is worthy of being known, being seen. So much of our crisis in our society of people not being seen, heard and it can change with listening. Listening is intentional, it’s not hearing. When we meditate we rest in listening. Social lives get enriched with intentionality and when we listen on purpose and hear them out. Intentionality can be multifaceted - appreciation, worthy to witness this person’s life in front of you. To listen with goodwill - metta is a goodwill. Listening with love is more complicated - a higher bar set. Listening to one whom we don’t like approaching with goodwill, heard and respected may touch something deep inside that is beneficial and helpful and then they won’t be as challenging.
Good listening is a form of love, respect, care for others.
Seeing and observing is a form of love. It can be warm, inspiring, impactful to witness the world and individuals that it is a form of love. A manifestation of love which brings an intentional caring attention is to be present in the here and now.
Let’s work on it together, shall we? When was the last time you truly felt heard?
Have a listen on Insight Timer to hear guided meditations
Empathy is key!