Be a Love Warrior
Stay with love not fear as much as possible with everything you do
Last week, I went to Sacramento, my state’s capital to support a portion of a new bill up for legislation - SB 509 - Senator Portantino. This bill would require the California Department of Education to ensure that 75 percent of classified and certificated employees on school campuses complete an evidence-based behavioral health training program. This instruction will guide school staff on how to provide referrals to mental health services, substance use disorder services, or other support to individuals in the early stages of developing a mental illness or substance use disorder.
Biological, foster and adoptive parents from all over the state attended this Day of Advocacy with the support of non-profit organizations, United Parents, Mental Health Services Oversight & Accountability Commission (MHSOAC), California Alliance of Child and Family Services and California Behavioral Health Policy Council.
I hope you and yours never have to learn about all these support systems personally and at the same time, I’m glad you are reading to become aware.
I think about how when my son was struggling in 8th grade at age 14, the teachers didn’t know what to do to support him. He was a good student, rule follower and it became difficult for him to ask for help even though he knew something was wrong. After numerous hospital stays, we had to keep his mental health challenges a secret because of fear of stigma. It was a very isolating experience for the whole family as we navigated the unchartered territory of what it meant to have schizophrenia. When he went back to school, there was no discussion and no extra support. It was a secret so the teachers treated him the same which is good and bad at the same time. Thankfully, by the time he reached 10th grade, we found the right support for him in public school which had decent services. I’m grateful for the conversation becoming more mainstream but not for this diagnosis. Today, my son is stable, high-functioning, kind, smart and still a quiet young man. I even don’t like that word, diagnosis. It’s not a life sentence nor should it be a barrier to success. That is another essay for another time soon. I believe he will find his way and his kindness and intelligence will see him through. We are working hard together to make it so.
Sitting at the table with my new friend, Alma, mother of six, she passionately described how her mostly Mexican community is afraid to talk about mental health. An active member in her community and in the PTA at her children’s school she told me about one fellow mother who knew that something was wrong with her child and they needed support. Going to the school for help is a huge deal for this parent to begin with and when they send parents to other places to call instead of learning more about how they can support the child, it quickly becomes a dead end. The parent gives up, the teachers label the child as a “problem child” instead of finding out the reasons for the behavioral issues and thus begins the stigma that will follow the child. That stigma gets ingrained in the child as they are “no good,” “a problem,” “messed up” or whatever other words come to mind. I admire Alma for working to make it comfortable for members in her community to normalize talking about mental health so we can support one another.
A mother from Berkeley of Asian descent spoke about living in a lower socio-economic area leaves a lot of kids behind when it comes to getting support and services for an already stressful life. When you don’t have financial security it is difficult to keep up with supporting a child’s emotional life. Emotional accessibility and security is just as vital as basic needs.
We began the morning with a guided 15 minute meditation, led by moi! It was the largest group I had ever provided a guided meditation to with approximately 80 people. We all breathed together, grounding, imagining our children and giving them our internal light of support or metta (loving-kindness). I wrote a special meditation for this moment that I will use again with the Ram Dass Parent Sangha. (Meeting info on that below.)
My group and I went to visit legislators or legislative aids who would relay our stories to the Senate Education Committee. It takes a long time for it to get to the Governor’s desk and this is where it begins. After the Policy Committee reviews it on April 19 then it will go to the Appropriations Committee, the Senate Floor and then to the Assembly - Policy Committees, Appropriations Committee and then the Assembly Floor. Sharing our lived stories of experience can be quite impactful. It was energizing and powerful to see government at work.
Parents need community - we are ALL struggling in today’s world.
The question is - how do we keep our heart open? How do we become warriors of love in a world of hurt?
There are big hurts — relationships, bad breakups, a divorce, or little hurts —unreturned texts, a conflict with no repair, feeling judged or made wrong for who we are.
When people hurt us, it’s so easy to close down and protect ourselves. Life happens and it can be unforgiving and brutal. Especially watching the tragic sensationalized news today and on social media. I get so sad and I want to block it all out. I find crying really helpful. Whether it be alone late in the night, in a car or maybe a few times with a friend. For a friend or family member to witness my tears is the ultimate vulnerability. It does not happen often. Crying moves things through and then the heart opens again.
And then there’s the more chronic closed heart. This is built up from years of being stifled within various family dynamics or relationships. Perhaps it becomes a life with a lot of friends but you feel alone. Or a partner and you feel alone. The authentic self is stifled and you can’t be yourself.
What is the cost of this closed heart?
Sadly, it costs relationships, friends, kids, neighbors and even our own health. There is an impact on these people.
UGH. Then what do we do? While closing our hearts at times is unavoidable and understandable, it’s also a CHOICE.
This is not to be confused with anger because anger is a helpful emotion. Beneath anger is hurt and intense love too. We need anger to get things done or another way to show that we deeply care.
We live in a relational world whether we want to admit it or not - we need one another. Our society’s extreme individualism is dividing us not helping us. We are a dependent species relying on one another in our everyday lives. Keep building empathy and checking it out in your relationships. Get curious, ask questions - your actions matter.
Thank you for being here. Stay in love -
Shelley
“Have the courage to trust to love one more time, always, one more time.” — Maya Angelou
Teaching and Groups
