Beginning Anew with Every Interaction
And how to apply it to interacting with your child
How do we begin anew when we are caught up in the tight grip of the way things are “supposed” to be? It’s not all “love and light” on this path even though I feel it when I’m with sangha. Sangha is a spiritual community where we connect on shared values and sometimes specific teachers.
This week, the Ram Dass Parent Sangha convened for our twice a month gathering. At these gatherings we begin with a brief meditation to arrive in the present moment with one another, we check in to share our current parenting challenges and then we read from a Ram Dass teaching to apply it to parenting and relationships.
The teaching we reviewed last night was from Sister Chan Khong, the first fully-ordained monastic disciple of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn, and the director of his humanitarian projects since the 1960’s.
This practice is one that can be translated into all relationships and while it may seem simple at a glance, when we dug deep and worked to apply it to parenting it became exciting and challenging. While we took this process to heart and considered it for our future interactions with our children, we realized it wasn’t about the child but about us, the parent. We were challenged to look deeply and honestly at oneself to find a way to mindfulness communication.
Here’s the teaching in brief:
Express appreciation for the person we’re speaking to.
Acknowledge any unskillful action we’ve committed against him/her/they/them.
Reveal how he/she/they has/have hurt us.
Share a difficulty that we’re having and to ask for support.
It’s a lot, I know. Yes, these steps can apply to interacting with our child and it’s a practice. Conflict does not have to be filled with raised voices and slamming doors.
Here’s a breakdown as it applies in the interaction with the child. Before you engage in the conversation consider these steps.
Appreciation - The person who stands before you is not only your child but an individual human being with their own lived experiences, memories, and feelings. See their goodness and their light within.
Unskillful action - Review the situation of conflict and express where you may have not been skillful. To acknowledge your own missteps is a huge deal for a child because it shows you are human. We are not only the role as a parent but a human being who makes mistakes. We are unaware at times how we may have hurt them.
Reveal hurts - I think this one is for the child to feel safe to express. Tell a young child that they hurt your feelings to manipulate the situation for the parent’s benefit is not recommended, however, use your best judgement. Creating a safe communicative environment for a child is one of the best life tools a parent can provide.
Share a Difficulty - For a parent to admit that they have difficulties expressing themselves is also showing how to be vulnerable which in turn allows the child to feel safe to do so as well. It could simply mean that you say to your child, “I’m sad right now but it has nothing to do with you. How about a hug?”
As a group we pondered these steps and worked through how to apply them to our own situations. Overall it is like the encouragement to have a “Buddha-like” nature of peace and calm in these situations. Looking at the root causes of the emotions from fear or love - what are the emotions you are truly experiencing in that moment can be helpful even if you step a way for a brief period to figure out what is happening. This can be in the form of a meditation as well to get real quiet to recognize and allow, investigate and then nourish with self-compassion. Only then can you do the same for them.
Using the method of R.A.I.N. can help to break it down even further.
Recognize and Allow - be aware of the conflictual situation and visualize the other person in their reactivity. Pause. Accept. Allow.
Investigate - What do you imagine the other person to be feeling? What were they hoping for? What might their unmet needs be?
Nurture with Compassion - feel your own heart’s care as you sense the other person’s unmet need and how they might feel if their needs are met.
After our discussion, I led the group in a specially tailored meditation I wrote for parents. The meditation combined metta (loving kindness) and envisioning our child filled with light. And so this exploratory mindful experience of sharing love and light, imagining goodness blossomed in our mind’s eye.
Here is a preview of my newly recorded Mindfulness for Parents
You can find the full recording on the Insight Timer app next week. There are some past recordings there for you to listen to as well.
Meditation Works!
After I led the meditation for the parents, I visited my son in his room. Quietly sitting on his bed looking at his Magic: The Gathering decks, I checked in with him as I often do. Something had shifted in me and he felt my deep calmness. We had a heartfelt open communication that is so rare. It is difficult for him to express his emotions and feelings, however, it poured out of him and he acknowledged it was difficult. A young man with little words, we connected for a good 5 minute conversation. I’ll take it! This connection stayed with me through the night and into the next morning. It works.
The Next Ram Dass Parent Sangha -
May 18th from 5pm PT to 6:30pm PT - RSVP for link
Donations accepted
