Feeling Lost at Sea is Presence
Do we let the water rush in or do we seal up the holes so we don't sink?
“To be lost to the world, utterly immersed in what is present so that its surroundings feed away. To be lost is to be fully present, and to be fully present, is to be capable of being in uncertainty and mystery.” —Keats
Parenting is a lot like being lost in the present and in the future simultaneously. Keats was dead on when he covered uncertainty but the key of embracing the mystery of it is a mystical level. The mystery of uncertainty has a nice ring to it, although esoteric, I’m going to sit with it for a moment. While uncertainty is something we can always count on, the observation or the acknowledgement of it wholeheartedly is a rarity. The only way I can embrace uncertainty is if I get real quiet in meditation because that is where it evolves into the mystery of life. And then the mystery can be met with curiosity. Ah there it is…. curiosity once again, I feel a mantra coming on because it is too infrequent in the day-to-day.
This is especially challenging when you have a neurodivergent child who doesn’t speak much, is alone day in and day out and whose existence is one level. I’m learning these are “negative” symptoms of his diagnosis which I don’t like to speak of because it comes with stigma. Plus, on another level, I’m in still denial because I see this calm, sweet, quiet in his own world without much expression except for his guitar playing, skateboarding, tv watching and video game playing. It’s like he’s on a constant silent retreat, lucky him. I desperately wish I knew what was going on in his deep heart and mind. He’s a great dresser and cares about his appearance which is super cute to observe. Conversations are about food, health, meds, appointments and sometimes music and I feel like a drill sergeant reminding him to brush his teeth and change his sheets.
Twice a month, I lead the Ram Dass Parent Sangha where my spiritual side gets to really come forth as Durga, a name given to me by Ram Dass when I told him about my intense challenges and heartache as a parent learning all about new words like psychosis, schizophrenia and residential treatment. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Ram Dass had a brother who lived with schizophrenia so I’m guessing he could relate.
The parent satsang gets together because of him. He connects us all and puts in a heart space without being physically present. Parents from all backgrounds from across the country get together twice a month as strangers seeking refuge and quickly became a soul family all because of Ram Dass and his teachings. We feel like we am hanging out with people who we have known all our lives but only recently met.
In our twice a month meetings with this parent satsang, we gather to meditate, read some teachings from Ram Dass on parenting and then discuss how to apply it to our daily lives. Moms and Dads of all ages, experiences, backgrounds and challenges in parenting gather with the intention to make sense of these challenges and stay in their heart space. This gathering does just that – we hold the space for one another as we feel the immense pressure as parents to make things the way they “ought” to be and not as they are.
One particular parent is struggling with his adolescent daughter’s desire to transition to a young man. As a therapist, he struggles affirming these new labels she identifies with and is working so hard to understand her/his internal struggle. He sees his child as so much more than the label of gender identity and yet this is the very thing that is a barrier to their relationship. He finds solace in the group being reminded that it’s such a balance of protecting and letting go as a parent.
So how does this relate to being a parent lost in the present and future?
In our society, it’s easy to stay lost in fear of what is happening and what is to follow. The joke of it all is that we think we are in control. Sure, we have control over what we eat, taking care to take care of our bodies and we have a choice in what we think. We know the mind body connection is real however many people live in their minds not their bodies. As a parent, we frequently operate from our minds because it’s our job to protect, provide, and guide. Nurturing and emotional availability comes from our bodies and if we aren’t connected to our bodies we do our children a great disservice. We inevitably get lost and entranced by worry, planning, catastrophizing – it is our job as a parent. However, when we begin to feel the weight of the heavy blanket of fear from the need to control our children’s every move to ensure their success we become lost.
Remembering that our children have their own minds, bodies and life path completely separate from ours even though they came from us, that even though our DNA is in their bodies and their lives are meant to be their own. Their path is their very own special karma as is our own to be played out in the leela of this illusion of life. The answer is in the letting go, surrendering to the little moments, to take a bird’s eye view in the presence of every interaction in every moment. That is presence that takes time to be cultivated through your own form of meditation, of self-care on a consistent basis. From the bird’s eye view as the witness, only then can curiosity arise which is a much safer place to be than in the heart palpitating fear.
To break it down further, when you notice your body while interacting with your child you are regulating you own nervous system, you become kinder. When we operate from a place of internal stability we become more willing and able to give and can hold a lot more space for our children. When we try to control our children and their feelings it doesn’t help them, it helps us as parents to feel safe and in control. It’s our autopilot but consider it for a moment. When we allow our children to feel what they need to feel without taking it personally it widens the lens of possibility. When we try to manage our children’s emotions we do it to create our own sense of safety. How can we create a sense of safety for our children in a deeper way?
Curiosity allows us to have limitless expectations. It expands our lives into possibility, a path untraveled and a connection to our very soul. It’s available in every moment, with every breath and that is freedom.
“A lot of people, as their children grow, have an opportunity to change their lives, but they have such strong habits in how they’ve always done things and who they’ve always been, that they get frightened at the freedom to change when an opportunity presents itself.” –Ram Dass
It’s ok to go through transformations, it’s what makes life fuller, more interesting. When I encouraged my family to move far away from what we knew for the last 20 years it was a leap and risk. I felt alive, invigorated by the newness of everything, open to possibilities. And while there are downsides, the upsides outweigh them. Living in uncertainty can be stressful and exciting at the same time. Not knowing where to find the new grocery store, new doctors, hiking new paths takes extra brain power and yet things are slower. Maybe this new brain power leads to taking extra breaths, taking time to make a decision, to listen to the person in front of you. I have had to do a lot of listening to my daughter gripe about the move and various changes as she goes through her normal teenage phases in life. I’m grateful to her for demanding my utmost presence without fixing but to be emotionally available to her without judgement. Staying quiet is the best thing I can do for her in many instances.
I invite all parents to get curious, take the bird’s eye view and get lost in the uncertainty and the mystery of it all. We have no control in the big picture and each child has to have their own life’s path. It’s about learning to meet someone in the energetic space they are in and to do this knowing what our energetic space we are existing in before we get there. It’s about not forcing happiness onto a child who is feeling deeply sad for then we will create a disconnect. When we try to make our child feel something they are truly not ready for we create a disconnect.
Get curious instead about where they are, acknowledge and validate it and then move forward. This is a step towards conscious parenting, a choice, a chosen surrender, an alternative state available within the uncertainty.
Stay the course and stay with love.
xo - Durga
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