Heartbreak makes way for fertile ground

Permission to sow the seeds of grief is necessary

Oct 20, 2023

I am swimming in turbulent waters and I am planting new seeds furiously. The seeds of Jewish pride that has been buried for too long. The seeds that have been dormant are now fighting to get out.

One thing is clear. We need to stop talking “at” one another and talking with one another. Lately, my days are filled with conversations in safe spaces with active listening and with some heat that don’t get resolved but they are respectful.

And truthfully, I am still feeling gaslit and whitewashed by people I know and those I don’t know, I am being called to learn, understand and unpack my very Jewishness which has been dormant and quiet for many years. My Jewishness has only made an appearance when it was safe to do so. When I knew I wouldn’t be questioned with, “Oh, you’re Jewish? You don’t look Jewish.” Or “I had a Jewish boss once, he was nice.” Or “Oh you’re Jewish, what do you think about Israel, don’t you think the Palestinans are oppressed?”

Talk about pressure!

If you ask any Jew, they will have a story like these, I guarantee it.

As Jews we assimilate through a broken mirror making ourselves fit into the world so others can be comfortable and so we don’t have to explain. The dance of revealed and concealed, concealed and revealed.

The whitewashing of Jews and Jewish culture runs deep in America.

I’m a proud liberal who believes in fighting for equality and the underdog. Seeing Indigenous Americans and Black Lives Matter groups completely ignore that Jews are a minority who have stood by them and suddenly become pro-Palestinian without acknowledging that Jews are indigenous people or a minority, I’ll never change their minds on social media.

But when I see my fellow Jewish brethren and spiritual leaders gaslighting the murders of 1300 Israelis and only mentioning the horrors of Gaza and free Palestine I wonder, do they realize how bad it looks?

To be Jewish enough to make others comfortable and then not mourn Jewish lives alongside Arab lives? I asked myself, do I simply unfollow, unsubscribe and cancel them or do I try to have a conversation with them? It is so sad and heartbreaking to know that even if I tried, they would not hear me.

I want liberation where no one is left behind.

“Arab leadership does not care about the Palestinians. They are used as a stick to beat Jews with. They have been victims of their own leadership and the Arab leadership since their origins as a people. This is their tragedy.” —Ben Freeman

And I want a better Israeli government that is balanced and not far right.

Photo by Francesco Gallarotti on Unsplash

I met a new potential friend this week for coffee. She has fascinating stories to tell of her life filled with tenacity, heartache and love. A fellow traveler, she’s curious, open, a skilled active listener and space holder. I had already disclosed I was Jewish to her over the phone as I explained that I was a meditation teacher who also sees herself as a student as well. She mentioned her church was looking for a new meditation teacher. Staying open, I thought, this could be interesting.

We had a nice hour together sharing a bit about our lives and of course Ram Dass came up as she also had met him when she lived in Colorado and he was at Naropa University as a professor.

And then she invited me to come to church Sunday to hear a speaker they were so excited to have at their congregation from Jews For Peace. The very same organization many far leaning left Jews have joined.

A warning bell rang furiously in my head, I didn’t want it to be true.

That is an antiZionist organization I told her. She had no idea. Adrenaline flowing through my veins, I explained what it meant and that while I’d like to be open to hearing what they have to say, I don’t think I would be able to keep my mouth shut and would challenge this person. Not a good way to engage in a potential meditation teaching opportunity, definitely not a safe place for me. And when she told me there were many congregants who were Jewish too, my heart sank further because that meant they were potentially aligned with this organization.

I would be a lone wolf in a sea of far leaning left liberals and they would likely not back me up.

She suddenly realized she had to pick up her dog at daycare and had to leave. While she said she was open to learning more, I wondered if our conversation would continue.

Unpacking anti Zionism. I have known it exists but what does it really mean?

Anti Zionism is antisemitism.

“Zionism is a Jewish concept created by Jews for Jews. It is rooted in 3500 years of Jewish history. Israel is the indigenous land of the Jews and you cannot sever our connection to it.” —Ben Freeman

There are many far left liberal Jews who are anti Zionist. Which means, it is more important to them that Palestinians have sovereignty and that Israel doesn’t exist.

What a privileged place to stand from!

To be at peace to live in the diaspora without a country of refuge. I wonder what will happen should the American majority decide we no longer belong here. Where will we go?

Maybe it’s my deep unresolved intergenerational trauma from the Holocaust that has been ignited because of the 1000+ Israelis that were brutally just murdered a few weeks ago, I’m terrified and in mourning. Or maybe it’s because I keep seeing people waving Palestinian flags with “From the River to the Sea” holding Nazi symbols on their phones as a banner during protests in NYC or these flags along with Nazi flags over the LAX 405 freeway. Or maybe it’s because I heard unbearable stories from my father-in-law who fled Budapest with his family when he was only 15 years old in 1956 when Hungary was “liberated” by the Russians.

And guess who invented the term anti Zionism - Russian leadership after WWII as a means to further demean their own Jewish citizens. (See article below.)

“Antizionism subjugates and oppresses Jews, demanding that we accept a world without our sovereignty, without our rights, without our security, without our guaranteed survival.” — Eve Barlow

The fear is real and I know this is not useful. I ran from this fear and victimization for so many years, it’s layered and complex and I don’t want it. In my continued grief and learning I am finding a new awareness of myself and others. I want a world of heightened empathy and understanding to avoid harmful rhetoric. And I want to own my Jewish side without fear alongside my spiritual Buddhist, bhakti side. I am a spiritual explorer and I will not be defined by one way of thinking.

And I believe in Israel and it’s right to exist!

I beg of people to use active listening, stay away from unreliable sources of information, create safe spaces to have conversations from various perspectives and understand the terms used for accuracy.

Thank you for being open to read this journey. Please hit that heart and that share button for more visibility. And comment for discussion or to share your own heart.

In peace, shalom, saalam, om shanti -

Shelley