The Alchemy of Motherhood
Trusting the Divine - I AM as Purpose
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” —C.S. Lewis
When I hear the word mother, I can’t help but think about love. The love from our spiritual mothers, Mother Earth, Sarah, Rebeka, Leah, Rachel, Mother Mary, Kali, and Durga, who symbolically are always available to connect with internally. This ultimate love goes beyond the physical and emotional to a place of deep connection and spiritual union.
Spiritual love is not about desire, lust, or power; it's about connection, respect, and a deep understanding of one another. It's about seeing each other's souls and honoring the Divine within each other. This love of primal gratitude for my mother, her mother, and her mother, and so on for getting me to this planet. Primal gratitude can crack your heart open. Whether you had a mom who passed on, a challenging mother, or an amazing mother. We get to be here because of them, which is a gift.
I feel a primal love for Mother Earth, Gaia—the co-creation we get to have with her every day, giving and receiving life with our breath. Because of Mother Earth, I have water in my blood, air in my lungs, and fire in my belly. I honor all of it with gratitude many mornings.
Mothers go through an evolution of love for their children and within themselves. I want to hope that many were born from a spark of two people who loved one another, maybe if it was for only one night. And we may be lucky if the love of those people lasted for as many years. Motherhood love is an evolution and an unwavering connection to their children. At the same time, this evolution is because of the children who teach us who we are and who we can become.
There’s unconditional love, heartbreaking love, walk-through-fire love, empathetic and compassionate love, and conditional love, which comes with a host of detriments. Motherhood is also angry and unhealed love that exists as the bodyguards to themselves. Sometimes, with unwavering conditions of expectations, protecting their inner wounded child, demanding their children to protect their hearts and harden their shells.
People’s personalities can reveal what kind of mother they have or once had. Even though I never met my husband’s mother, I always tell him he received all his goodness, sweetness, and loving, soft side from her. I’ve also witnessed friends with only the small cracks of softness and love that reveal themselves when the weather conditions are a perfect 73 degrees, sunny, and gentle breeze. I can see their light, too, and I love them anyway.
I’m grateful that my ancestry of motherhood provided some solid foundations of love through food, quality time with one another, clean clothes, safety, and lots of cuddling and affection. The insights and growth came from my own experiences with my children. From the NICU when my son was born, I stood aching over his cradle and holding him as much as possible with eyes that ran out of tears, only to be found again in the pump room to produce the best nourishment available. And then, when my daughter was born, the surprising cloned experience from birth to home and back to the NICU, where she also needed exactly six weeks of help to breathe and to eat as well.
Learning the surrender early on pierced through mountains of fear with the gaze of perfect, fierce love. The walls of my heart crumbled to the sides so I could love them with everything I ever had.
When I am in a place of surrender, the difficult moments of motherhood that have brought me to my knees, I expand with pain and reborn through joy. Mind you, It doesn’t happen as quickly as you read that sentence. The vulnerability of surrendering to the grip of control allows me to open my arms wide and unclench my hands and the tightness in my jaw. And oh, how I have begged for things to be different at times when my children were suffering, anger and grief enflamed to destroy anything in my way, embodying the Durga inside.
Motherhood has evolved from fear and control when they were infants to vulnerability and unconditional love as I witness their young adulthood. The simultaneous feelings of love and fear existed for many years and perhaps still do. The responsibility for another human’s safety and well-being ignites many sleepless nights. Forever seared in my depths, these humans, son and daughter, have taught me more about myself over 22 years than any other.
Mothers (and all of us) can alchemize a soulless world into a sacred world by treating everyone as if they are sacred, until the sacred in them remembers.
As a mother, I’ve put my foot in my mouth at least a dozen times and, at times, have had too much to drink. I’ve been competitive with other mothers, internal alarms ringing when my ego takes over. Or wanting to feel safe enough with them to say, you don’t have to be competitive with me, or I feel that fear, and can we move into trust together? Let’s stop pretending everything is perfect and love one another.
Motherhood gives you no choice but to change and grow. It’s filled with highs that come with a glance, a touch on the arm, or a hug from my children—watching them interact now as young adults, begging them silently for a reciprocal conversation that lasts more than “hey” and their evolution with one another. And it’s not that they don’t love one another; it’s buried beneath the years of the big brother’s tumultuous years lost to hospitals, residential homes, and mental disarray.
Every single day, in every way, I tell my children I love them, not out of habit or to make conversation. I say it to remind them that they are the best thing that happened to me. I would not be who I am without them. I am deeply proud of who my children are today, succeeding in their path and forging their own way. They are incredible human beings!
While we are told to honor mothers only this one time per year because Hallmark has told us to, we can drop the illusion that mothers are superior to any other parent, adoptive, foster, or chosen parent. A bow of gratitude to all mothers.
Love one another -
Shelley
Honoring Warrior Mothers
Over the last year, I have interviewed these warrior mothers for Mad in America and witnessed their stories of fighting for their children. I have a few more in progress now, which will come out in June. Please check them out HERE.
If you or any parent you know needs support around mental health for their children, reach out. You are not alone.
Spicy Soul Mama - Podcast
A few weeks ago, I interviewed Heidi to discuss her spiritual path and how forest bathing can be useful for meditation and healing. Listen here or wherever you listen.
I have booked my guest for June’s podcast and can’t wait to share it with you! Stay tuned!
