The Days of Awe - Life's Fragility
The Days of Awe and Devotion
LISTEN above: Feminist Prayer on Forgiveness by Rishe Groner narrated by me.
Hi - If you’re new here, welcome. I am a writer and a meditation teacher who has been doing the inner work of healing and growing for the last 20 years. I would not be on this journey if it were not for my children and my husband. This is a newsletter offering my musings in spirituality, mental wellness, parenting and life in general with the hopes it will ignite more connection, compassion and kindness in our divided polarized world. This is a free publication where a lot of thought and effort are put forth. I hope you find value and perhaps some of yourself in these stories and resources. Thank you for taking the time to read, like, comment and share!
Sliced apples on a circular plate with a bowl of honey in the center sat next to the round challah (egg bread) sprinkled with raisins on the white clothed table adorned with Grandma’s blue, orange and white china. My sister and I helped our mother set the holiday table with the finest crystal glasses for both wine and water and the newly polished silver and linens along with fresh flowers. The beautiful adorned table embodied love and family held the place for us for when we returned.
It was a day of early rising, dressed in our finest and getting to temple by 9am if we were the early service. Following the service we would prepare for the family meal to eat chicken soup with fine egg noodles, brisket with carrots, a round challah with raisins along with those sliced apples to dip into the honey. The sweetness of a new year, the creation of the world, a bit off from our Gregorian calendar represents the kick off to the following ten days of reflection from joy to forgiveness.
Growing up, we belonged to a temple with a very large Reform Jewish community and this was one of the days where everyone came out of the woodwork for their own personal reasons. Whether it be for a reconnection to their Judaism, spiritual reasons, guilt, connection to their peoplehood, we were there in solidarity. I felt at home although it was presented as “this is what we do and what we have always done” there were opportunities to question to seek understanding. Unfortunately, I was unable to see the spiritual connection as it felt like more punishment to me. The repetition of praising G-d in this language which didn’t resonate, the call and response in English felt robotic and the punishment for doing harm during the year by fasting for the day. I still enjoy the Hebrew chanting however.
The service on Yom Kippur talks a lot about suffering and the inevitability that we will all die which creates this ambiance of the fragility of life.
I have always felt G-d in other places, within myself, in nature, in the goosebumps I get with a conversation or connection and believe me, I punish myself plenty when I have done harm to another. First we celebrate life, we reflect for 10 days and then we atone and ask for forgiveness. The instructions are quite specific, be joyful but then remember you will die like everyone else. We say to one another, in so many words, “May you be inscribed in the good book for another year of living.”
The service on Yom Kippur talks a lot about suffering and the inevitability that we will all die which creates this ambiance of the fragility of life.
We go through life denying this very fact that we will all die. We observe death throughout our natural world through the seasons and it’s no coincidence that this holiday season occurs during the fall when trees loose their leaves and become dormant. The leaf is actually a consistent reminder throughout the Torah depicting the inevitability and fragility of life and yet it eventually dies.
This may be morbid however it’s preparing us to die as well as live life to the fullest.
One of the things the Jewish traditions does so well is giving us instructions and rituals for life as well as death. When we are lost in grief, it has tools to help us through. And like Buddhism, the comprehension, even relishing at times in the suffering while prevalent in Judaism, it explores the balance of both as part of our existence as human beings. That a fully lived life is not merely captured by longevity and the absence of suffering but with emotional development, living one’s intrinsic values and spiritual development. We cannot have joy without the experience and growth from suffering.
Interconnectedness.
Everything is connected through nature from the soil on the earth nourishing the tree roots, to its branches and leaves which provide us oxygen and we give in return with our breath. Our food sources as well, the farm, the seeds planted, the care in taking to help it grow to the human who cultivates it and brings it to the store so it can be purchased and on our tables. We need one another, depend on one another and yet this is so very lost in everyday living.
At my core, I am Jewish through and through and grateful for all my (Polish, Russian, Lithuanian) ancestors for paving the way to my very existence. I’ve desired for the Jewish spirituality to grab me by the hand and show me the highs I have felt from meditation, kirtan (devotional chanting), nature, and synchronistic moments. I have attended various services from Reform, Conservative and even Chabad or Orthodox and they dull my senses with the repetition and dominant masculine prevalence. It doesn’t make sense because I know repetition is helpful in meditation and there are female clergy leaders today. And truly, my favorite part of the service is the extra long sermons given by the Rabbi at the end for intellectual stimulation.
My way to Jewish spirituality and peoplehood has been through Buddhism, touches of Hinduism, and overall bhakti (devotion) which all leads back to the heart’s center. And even more interesting is that all my teachers are Jews as well. From Ram Dass, Jack Kornfield, Sharon Salzberg, Krishna Das and Joseph Goldstein to name a few. In these practices, they include both masculine and feminine and this feels yummy and good to me. I’ve learned to chant Hindu prayers, I’ve taken the spiritual name, Durga, given to me by Ram Dass, been on various spiritual retreats with named above and I have completed a 2-year meditation certification with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach.
And I still come to the same conclusion as Ram Dass has put it best -
“We are all just walking each other home.”
It is and should only ever be about love. Love knows no boundaries, labels, identities and is who we truly are. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Resources / links:
Walking Each other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying
We Croak - an app that helps to find happiness while contemplating your morality
Living a Full Life - a Torah story in the exploration of two momentus deaths
Meditate with me on Insight Timer
