How to Change Depression into Deep Rest

Parenting Can Be Depressing

I wake with a jolt at 11:33 p.m., startled by the creak of the opening door, followed by ice cubes tumbling into a plastic water bottle. I don’t return to sleep until around 1:33 a.m. after listening to relaxing music or watching a movie. It depends. My heartbeat quickens as the adrenaline rushes through my body, igniting the thoughts spiraling from, “Why is he up? Did he take his meds? Does he know how late it is? What is he thinking about?”

Maybe I decide to interfere and get up to get a look at him to calm these tortuous thoughts and ask him if he’s okay, even though I know he’s so tired of that question. I stumble into the kitchen in my pajamas with my arms folded across my chest as if it were cold, and I see my son’s little face as a boy, his brown saucer wide-eyed, looking into mine, obligingly answering, “Yes, I’m fine.” My fear-fogged brain can’t take the conversation any further; sensing my dullness, I lack energetic, open-ended questioning to continue the conversation. Conversations are abrupt and end quickly. I telepathically ask him, “Give me clarity; please tell me what you are thinking. What is going on in your mind?”

This routine has become almost too common, and when it occurs more than twice a week, medicinal gummies provide me with the desperately needed uninterrupted sleep. And I willingly invite the blanket of depression to cloak my entire body over my head until I can see clearly again.

The roar of the silence in the middle of the night can be incessant, endless, irrational thoughts or a gift for reframing my mind, nurturing and soothing. Choosing can be challenging. I lean into this special kind of depression of ambiguous grief.

What is this depression teaching me?

Logically, I know depression is linked to my inner critic, my fragile ego, who wants to fulfill the role of “know all the answers mother,” “protective mother,” and “guiding mother.” Still, when I’m confronted with the consistent words, “I’m fine,” it can send me into victimhood of despair.

You’d think I’d learned this by now and surrendered enough using all the psychological and spiritual tools I’ve acquired over the years, but I am a perfectly flawed human being. My brain can be like a vinyl record with grooves forever playing my favorite song.

It is a paradox that we encounter so much internal noise when we first try to sit in silence.

It is a paradox that experiencing pain releases pain.

It is a paradox that keeping still can lead us so fully into life and being.

Our minds do not like paradoxes.  We want things to be clear, so we can maintain our illusions of safety. Certainty breeds tremendous smugness.

—Gunilla Norris

This fear is my creation, my own special torture, based on past experiences like a road trip on Route 66 where he wanted to jump out of the car because of the alien delusion, wanting to end his life by running out into the heat of the Arizona Indian Reservation with no cell service, drive straight to Las Vegas to shelter in a hotel while he hides behind the floor-to-ceiling heavy curtain until we land an adolescent psych unit only to “break” him out 24 hours later because of underpaid and inept staff to white knuckle drive with the child locks on home to California.

Photo by Diego Jimenez on Unsplash

Our past is always informing our present, sometimes sneaking up when it is least expected.

It’s all part of the healing process when depression might set in for a few days. I take this time to settle into deep rest, nurturing my memory cells, feeling the muscles on my bones, unclenching my fists and jaw, and sinking into the caress of the bed beneath me. I get through the day one breath at a time, multiple hugs from my beloved, creating a bubble of silence surrounding me, completing the needful tasks one at a time. Ambiguous grief of a mother starving to give her love to her son but can only do so energetically. At least, that’s what the depressive brain tells me, the trance of unworthiness all wrapped up in a lovely bow.

And then I remember, in a moment of clarity, the tools I learned all these years.

“Because mindfulness is a subtle form of awareness that does not stem from rational cognitive thought, its practice often involves embracing contradictions in a way that transcends logic.” —Shapiro, Siegel, Neff

R.A.I.N. TECHNIQUE TO TRANSFORM DEPRESSION INTO DEEP REST

The reframing of letting go of the past and the depression into DEEP REST by using the R.A.I.N. of self-compassion mindfulness method. Here’s a brief practice to listen:

R - Recognize what’s going on. “I am so stuck right now; what am I feeling at this moment? Where are my beliefs, emotions, emotions, and physical sensations?” It’s helpful to acknowledge this “stuckness” with compassion.

A - Allow the experience to be there, just as it is, without trying to fix anything. Witnessing the judgment of needing it to be different when it can compassionately be acknowledged and allowed for existing as a compassionate witness.

I - Investigate with interest and care. At this point, we can deepen our attention with a natural curiosity. “What wants attention? What is beneath these feelings? What am I believing? Is it true? What does it most need?”

N—Nurture with self-compassion. I like to use these phrases: “It’s okay, honey. Letting the tears fall is okay; it won’t last forever. Just at this moment, let them go as long as you need. You are safe.” We all have an inner wounded child who often runs the show from past experiences. Maybe this inner child needs reassurance, forgiveness, or love. Trusting and remembering our inherent goodness can nurture our inner world.

Practicing this mindfulness method can bring a peaceful awakening to our tenderness, thus breaking the patterns of unworthiness or limiting beliefs.

Having a partner to practice this with can also be beneficial. It can be a profound experience to have a person witness your thought process aloud. When completed in a safe space and through spoken words, it can also release persistent cloudy thinking.

If you’d like support in this practice, listen to the meditation above, and then reach out if more guidance would be helpful. I’ll guide and hold space for you without judgment. (This session is included in a paid subscription.)

Thank you for being open to loving yourself again. The world needs you.

Namaste,

Shelley

ICYMI - A direct message on email this week:

Dear Reader -

I don’t know if you read my last post about the Solstice and listened to the Strawberry Full Moon mediation, but since last weekend, I have found clarity and new-found energy I have only experienced in blips. Usually, these blips have been derailed by life or perhaps redirected, as I now see.

I have a confession to make.

I’ve lived in my expansive, fun “esoteric-land” for years and decided to come clean. I love working with my Guardian Angels and Higher Self through meditation, Angel/Oracle, and tarot decks.

I invite you to get curious.

I believe in the unseen forces at play with everything we do, co-creating our realities. While I’ve always been super curious about social psychology to understand human behavior, thanks to Ram Dass making it accessible with intelligence, humor, and joy, our human experience is so much more than our bodies.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience. This definition has evolved and expanded for me in a way where I spend much of my time below the iceberg's surface, where the preconscious and the unconscious live. I have learned that I can only have small talk for a limited time, and my soul would prefer to drive the show. I am grateful for the ego as it keeps me physically and sometimes mentally safe, helps me to make decisions, and helps me remember how to drive a car or cook.

A recent draw from Kyle Grey’s Oracle/Angel Deck

I write to understand and to hear what my intuition tells me. I hope my words can help others express what may be challenging.

This “esoteric land” is the “soul land” where the actual power for our lives resides. We can choose how to respond or react to our lives. How to be forgiving or self-righteous. Do you hang on to old wounds or let them go?

It’s nice to get a little help from our Higher Self, who only has our best interests in mind.

As a mother who has witnessed her child experiencing visual and auditory hallucinations without the use of any experimental drugs at such a young age, I have wondered, what does this mean? Where are the teachings in these experiences, and how can they serve my highest and best self?

Life happens for us, not to us, as difficult and gut-wrenching as it can be. It can be unfair and severely unkind on multiple levels, with crossroads presented to choose from.

Over the last year or maybe more, I’ve often supported friends with a grounded presence and pulled a card or two as we discussed their challenge. It was always a message they needed to hear at that moment.

For instance, I practiced with a few friends this week to validate that I might be onto something. One friend was having health issues and wanted to know anything about that. I pulled the Arch Angel Raphael, the healing angelic card where the healing green light surrounds him; this card presented itself to show her that she was supported in this difficult journey. Another friend spoke to me about her relationship challenges, being tapped out of patience as she’s growing in a different direction and finding it hard to connect. The cards I pulled for her sent messages of taking time away to assess and coming back with new, energetic, loving connections.

Many messages affirm our need to surrender and to let go of the illusion that we are in control.

Are you still curious? Want to play?

Let’s help one another!

I’m offering a free 30-minute Angel/Oracle and tarot session to anyone who becomes a paid subscriber. This offer will only be available for the summer.

Once you become a paid subscriber, I will email you for a mutually beneficial time for this Higher Self Zoom session.

I look forward to supporting you!

With love and light -

Shelley